My gf.

I think my gf are the best! She is very good. haha!

P.S. I love you.

mei you yong

Again, a lonely night...

Dui.. wo chen ren wo bing mei you yi yang shi hao de... shi mei you yi yang! yi qian, yi lu yi lai, dou ren wei wo you wo de yiu dian... jui jin, ta gao shu wo you na me de bu hao... da me duo de que dian... zhi ji fan xing yi xia, dou zhan tong... jin tian de wo, dou shi zhi ji yi shou zao chen de.

you shi zai xiang, wei shen me ta neng yi ge xing qi he ta na ban tong yang de peng you chu qu ne... yiu bu shi hen jiu cai jian yi chi... ye mei you shen yi tan... lian wo you wen ti ta dou bu dong... jen gao bu qing... you shim hen xiang you ren gao shu wo...

Jin tian ba shuo de wo hen dui... wo di que hen duo que dian... dui bu qi, ba... rang ni men shi wang le... wo hui jing liang juo dao jui hao de...


to be continue...

mei gui

mei gui yi chi y chi de ci shang le wo de shou... dan, wo ren ran mei fang qi...

man shou shang hen lei lei de, wo hai yi ran mei fang qi... jian qi wo de guan nian... wo xiang jiu ru wo na tian yu dao de yi ge cheng gong ren shi shuo shuo de... zhi yao jian ch zhi ji de jia shi guan nian, chai neng cheng gong de you yi yi... wo jue de, na guan bie ren jue de wo juo de dui bu dui, zhi yao wo xin li shi zhen de, wei shen mo yao guan na xie xian ren xian yu ne? ta men zhi chi xi huan feng chi bie ren, ye ying wei ta men de bu dao na fen zhen, jiang zhi ji de xu, zhi ji pian zhi ji, dang shuo hen wei feng... hen duo shi hou, ren bi ren, bi shi ren... wei shen mo wo jiu yi ding yao he bie ren gei de na xie yi yang? jiu lian chi fan zhi you fu yu pei fan ye neng shi de hen kai xin ma! wo bu guan bie ren you duo fu you, qu na li lu xing, mai xie shen mo, wo zhi neng zai guo nei klu xing, wo ye neng hen kai xin ya! jiu shuang zhi zai gong shi gong zuo, zhi yao he xi huan de ren, guo de xun li, kai xin, ye hen man zhu ya! you shi, zhi ji ye zhe jue de, bie ren de hao, wo men ba ta fang da, ta men zai bei hou de ku chong, shi wo men kan bu dao de... bie ren zhen me xiang wo, zhen me kan wo, xian zai de wo, ye bu guan le, ying wei wo zhi dao wo zai gan shen mo, ni men shuo kan dao de, ye zhi shi wo de qu ke... gen ben wu fa kan dao wo de zhen xin...dao jin tian, hai shi mei you yi ge ren neg zhen zheng liao jie zhen zheng de wo... jiu shuan shi jui hao de peng you, kou shuo ta men ming bai, den ta men ming bai de, you you ji shen ne? dau jin tian, zai mei ge ren de yan guang, hai shi na me de shi bai... dang wo jian qiang de shi hou, you shei hui cheng kan dao ne? kan hui wo de bu luo ge, shang xin de dui ji ru shan... ying wei, wo ba bu kai xin de dou fang zai chi chu, kai xin de, tong tong liu zai xin li...

bie ba wo kan dao na me bei, ni men zhi shi kan dao wo bei de yi mian, ying wei, wo ba kai xin de, dou liu gei zhi ji he wo ai de ren... huan rao zhe wo, mei ba ta men fang jin zhe shang xin bu luo ge...

p/s: bai she mei gui dai biao wo dui ni de chuen... Dear, shi zhou yue kuai le! wo ai ni!

22-09-2010

What i want is just to make you happy.. I don't want to miss every single chance to doing things that you like me to do... I tired my best to packed all my stuff and make me some more extra time to be with you...

And every time that I feel she is great, that moment, will the beginning of some shit...

I felt like I've shifted place with some one she hate... I'm the bad person now... I'm the one she don't want to answer my calls... I'm the person who talks bad things...

p/s: I know i shouldn't speak like that... Maybe i was just tired... I run here and there all day... Just though that can have a nice talk but I don't know that I'm disturb you watching TV... I'm sorry dear...

中秋节快乐！

17-09-2010

hai ji de yi bu cha bu duo yi nian qian... ta shuo hen xiang lian wo... wo zhen yang ye chou shu shi jian, qu pei ta... you shi hou, yao ta deng wo hen jiu... shen zhi shi ji ge zhong... mei chi ta chu men, wo dou hui jing liang standby wo de sh jian... jin chuan li qu juo yi ge 24 xiao, bai frn bai de hao nan you...

jin tian de wo, deng le yi tian you yi tian... hao bu rong yi chai deng dao na tian, jiu zhai bei tui diao le... yi tian yiu guo le... yiu zhai deng ming tian... hai jing ran zhi ji na mo ben.. na mo tian zhen.... hai yau shi zhui hou yi ge zhi dao... zhe cie nian lai... jiu lian shen me lian shen me jia dou diu le... jui hou, hai shi zhi ji juo chuo le.... zhen de hao wu tui lu la... bu shi hen xi huan zhi ji shi yi ge thinker... xiang tai duo... lei de hai shi zhi ji... yin wei xiang dao de, ye wu fa shuo chu kou, bu shi mei dan, shi huan bu chen yu yan biao da chu lai...

dao jui hou, wo hai shi na ge shi bai de... wo bu guan ren jia zhen yang kan wo, pi ping wo, bu dong wo... wo zhi xi wang ni neng gou ming bai wo... dan wo zhi dao, bie ren shuo de, jiu bu neng bu li hui...

hen kai xin ni neng enjoy... you shi xin xiang, qig yuan xi shen zhi ji, jiu rang ta qu kai xin ba... bu neng guan na me duo de... zhi yau ni kai xin... wo ye shi hao ba na xie xiang fa guan qi lai ba...

p/s: dang dao le quan shi jie mei ren xu yao shi, na ge shi hou ying gai shi li kai de shi hou ba...

mau dun.

ren men tong chang dou hen wan gu. bie ren fen fu bu yau juo de shi, ta men hai shi yau qu juo... bu ting qu bie ren de quan gao. dang fa sheng shi qing de shi hou, chai hui hou hui.. na ge shi hou, ta men tong chang dou hui ziang, ren jia shu shi le yi ju an wei dou mei you, hai yau ma ren jia... shuo ren jia bu ting hua... ta men chong mei xiang guo, bie ren xian fen wan fu bie qu juo na yang shi qing... shi da men zhi ji na lai de... bu tan rang zhi ji shou shang, hai yao rang guan xing ta men de ren shang xin... bu tan na yang, ta men hai qiang ren jia qu an wei ta men... tan ru guo fa sheng shi si, ren jia an wei ta men, ta ye hui shuo, an wei wo you shen mo yong? dou fa sheng le...  haiz.... zhen jia ren jin tui liang nan ya... 

p/s: zhi shi tu ran xiang dao she yang de hua ti... zai man jiu shi kan dao de dian ying, gu shi li mian de yi suan qing jie...

Don't judge me!

Don't judge me and say I shouldn't do this and that.... It just because you don't get your chances to do so and you think that was not suppose to be done... Bare in mind, u got your way and I have my life.... People see you as a pure but not me... Don't try to wash others brains... What you can think others can too... What you have today is because of your own deed... You don't gain my respect but I will still respect you as just to respect others...

p/s: this is for those who will never see my blog, if u read this, it means it's not for u... dun think too much... just to shout out some thing that i concerned... prevent is always better than cure... Just hope it doesn't goes as what i think it wad going to happen..

Hurt

zen de hen shang xin... hen shi wang.... xin hen tong...yi qie dou bei hui le... wo juo de yi qie, ye bai fei le... yi zhi yi lai, wo dou shi ji pian zhi ji... wo you wo de xiang fa, dan dou mei ren dong... wo bu hui biao da, ye zhi hao ren shu.... wo shi huai ren... wo hao wu yi zhang pi zai wo lian shang... hai zai zhe li, ye mei shen me yi yi le,,,


ling yi fang mian, wo chong lai dou mei you xiang guo yao he ni men he bu lai.. shi ni men zhi ji yi shou zao chen... ni men zhe yang juo shi hui rang wo dui ni men geng du lan... ni men bu zhi dao shi qing de zhen xiang... ni men gen ben ye mei zhi ge... wo you wo de sheng huo... ru guo ni men shi hui xiang de, jiu bu hui you jin tian... qing ni men bu yao jiang zhi ji kan de na mo wei da! we dui ni men zhi shi kan zai ta de mian zi shang... wo jian chi wo de xiang fa...

Alone....

It's still the same old question from my friend...
What's the miserable thing in my life?
Ans: Things that I want it to be the best, things that i like, or important to me will always get ruined at the end...

Need no time of a week, my mood is going back down again... Tear drops is dipping again... It should be a very good sleep every night... but it wasn't as my expectation... I can't sleep well at all... without her at my side... Can't see her right i open my eyes in the morning... I miss her so much... but now it seems to be a night mare coming soon... Some history might just going to happen again.... I don't want it to be... I hate it so much when things that I think it going to be fine or the thing is going fine, and it just blown in the end... I was scared... I feel weak now...

mm meh hao ngin

choi ng ga ge ngan gong, ngai du he yit zak hao ngin, ki sit ngai he yit zak pu tong ngin... yit si he zak soi ngin... yit shi, ngai hao hoi sim... gok dek ngai coi ngin sang jui gao fung... bu go, mui dong ngai gok dek ngai hao hoi sim ai cin si... du jiu dit shi qin, jin dao ngai hao ci det lok san guk... mm goi mao zhan ngai... yin wui ngai mm meh hao ngin!!!

mui bai ngai tong ngi pen yiu gok dek hao hoi sim, wa je he gok dek hao oi hao oi gi, go hiu, du mm hiao chong jiu, gong yiu chao gao... mm song dui fong... ngai hao tao yam ngai si ga... i hao sien... mou sai fong hiong gam... hao zhi bei... hao mao yong... arghhhh!!!!!!

nower2go

malai ngin go ngan tong chong do hiao he liao.. dan he niabai kun loi do hee shiga yit zak ngin go... hao sien... hao xiong hi hang ha kun ha... bu go moau an do lui chut giat... xiong hi fong shong yit ha... jin ge hao koi...

i tld u d-is my4

wo you hen duo hen duo hua yao shuo!!!!!! Tai duo le... shuo bu chu le... zhi you jui kuai de shuo chu lai... zai xin li tong tong shuo chu lai...

wo mei you bu shuang ta! wo mei you fa ta pi qi! wo zhi shi hen men!

idn wt2do ad cz igt no wok2do. ijz fl boring. ijz12tlk b4go2slp. cz she'll nt here d nxdy. bt i oly gt "i12slp". wn i1hug her, mzb sum hw hurt her. i nt dare2 hug ad. i nt dare2sy i cry cz i sad cz idn1u fel dt isad2b wif u. cz i'm nt2.

nw ur in e-other face spewg venom in ur wrd wn u spit dm

myb dt wt hpn wn a tornado mt a volvano

dn u hr my sincerity in my voice wn i tlk

i tld u d-is my4

lok in2my i bal

nxtm i pis i lay my fis@d-rywal

nxtm. dr won b no nxtm

i apologiz ev tou i no it lie

im tired of d game ijz1hr bk

i no i a liar

22-07-2010

I feel very sick... almost not sleep for 2 days... I didn't have any proper meal since 3 days ago... Whole body suffer in pain... with a sad soul too... I'm not fine...

Sorry to friends.

Alright... I got that. Sorry guys... I thought that's a compliment, but I'm wrong. Sorry for u guys to have a brainless friend like me...

PS: I backed you up for so many things... even more than you know. You should give me advise or warn me, not post some thing on my wall to tease me... I'm sorry!

Wow!

Wow! It was so hurt when you've been told that you can do nothing! Everything will still be that worse no matter how good you done! And It's even worse when you see things will goes wrong but you are not allowed to stop it even talk about it! Wow!!!

17-07-2010

I can't graduate this year... I don't know how to face people around... Some how, I got to find my ways... as I've been told by Pam... I feel sick... Headache since 4 days ago. Went in bed before the normal time I usually sleep too... Chest pain again... what ever it is... It's much more hurt when a day you found out you are no longer in your friends list... when all the event created, you will never get invited... you are not being forgotten... Is that people don't want to hang with you anymore... more sad is, people who is so important for you, is not supportive for what you want to do... I did everything for friends... I did good jobs... but not one I did good for my close one... Maybe I had... just that not being recognize... yet, I still keep my faith... I'm not giving up... In past, I was not given chance because of my immaturity... Today, I meet with this again... Not on myself this time... So I gave chances... I hope there will be no limit of giving those... so as my love... I want to be great... for everyone... even I'm not...

p/s: It's sad to heard story of my friend... I'm far more lucky than them.. at least i still got chances to do things right...

15-07-2010

A day start up with very very good mood, everything goes fine....

but it ended up with again... argument and disappointment...

Yup, just because of some I don't know what it is....

And yup again... I failed my subject and I can't graduate!!!

Sometimes Most of the time, I felt I'm the best man in the world! I'm the luckiest boy on the planet! I'm got the BEST things in the universe! And just right at the moment of enjoyment, ME, standing at the top of the world, falling the the darkness at the bottom of the valley... I feel like to cry, my tears couldn't be hold... but I need to keep telling myself, no, I'm not allowed to do so... It happen all the time... 

It feels like you got everything on your wishlist & it end up with you wake up it just a dream. When it's a dream, maybe you wake up again in the next morning, you will never remember what you dream today... But life is not, things happened and it's like dragging you in the Hell... You feel miserable on your life but you couldn't do anything or no body can help... 

It was so hard impossible to avoid things-you-don't-want to happen... Maybe there's a way... I believe there's a way, I trying very hard to work on it.... It just don't know when can I still keep my mind clear and still own the strength and spirit for it... Just hopping for the best that I could have....

I got these thought.

Life get miserable when:

...you want some thing, and u can't get it... or even got the chance to have it...

...you tried everything to avoid something happen, and it HAPPEN!

...something works on every single person in the world, but not the one you love most.

Sunny day came after the storms... but, storms come after that too...
It must be a storm there... but please not that often please...
I might say every party will be the same...
Just which side or point of view you are standing at...
You did something, for someone;
Others will also did something, for someone too...
Some times, just that we only see things in a point of view.
It's not just about ME.
You will never know what peoples have done for you...
You might say you know that, but we will never know we we really knew.
I's not everything can be define or can be describe through words...
Some times, things we wanted things to happen will just like people sitting there and hopping for the world will not end by it times...

Day by day, my times are running shorts...
Some times, I just feel that I need to seek for a psychologist...
Maybe they can help...
Maybe this can give me more times...

14-07-2010

Today, just a blink of eye, a year passed. The 1st Anniversary of my first DSLR bought. Still remember the day my car first hit by other end up with a broken head lamp. It's been a year, still being an armature. My degree ends, it's time again for me to choose another road again... Don't know where my path is.... Don't even know I can continue my studies... I'm abit... LOST here...

I still can remember it fresh in my mind like almost 2 years ago: My friend asked me, Tommi, what's the misarable thing happened on you in your life? No doubt, I answer: Nothing I guess... As time passed, many things happened with grown up more... There're something I felt miserable with.... It's all about myself...

I hate Photographer!

If

.......If...........

If I got no money, I will never got friends...
If I really am, I will never got a gf too...

If I don't do all that, I won't get all these...
If I did that, I will never get all these too...
No matter it's a good one or a bad one...

If I never exist in this world,
The world will never become like this.

No matter it's a good one or a bad one...

It's been a while.

08-07-2010

It's months I never wrote on blog.

Recently, kind of free, but times looks packed. No more classes, but still feel times are never enough...

These days, something is bothering me... I don't know what was it... I don't feel good...

It's like I can't get things done at all... It's hard to do what I wanted to do... What's really wrong here?

Try so hard to change something, improving... but it's not easy... Things doesn't get right... Realize many things... I'm changed... Different... but others are not... Lots of out-of-control things... I don't want them to happened at all! Trying to be cool... & steady... Look for the best and positive one... Everything will be fine... Have to be patient...

17-6-2010

今天，我们都很早起床。我准备早餐，她洗衣。我弄了他最爱的’scramble egg’, 配上香肠，bacon, 杂豆，沙拉及一杯温牛奶。然后我们去看电影！Toy Story 3! 是她期待已久的电影。 路上，交通都很舒畅，广场也很容易找到车位。电影开场还有很多时间，我们就到处逛逛。我们买了电影里头的”woody”, “Jessie”, “Buzz Light Year” 的玩偶和 “bulleye”的可爱版玩偶！ 然后，我们买了超大装泡米花和汽水去看电影。我们手牵手，抱着电影主题里的玩偶，一边吃着爆米花，一边喝汽水，一边看电影，以致大笑！真开心啊！看完电影，我们一人一支雪糕，有说有笑的。她拖着我的手，怎么放也不开。。。然后她跑到对面，回头转身，把她大大把的长发一泼，望着我开行的笑了。多迷人的笑容。。。感觉多幸福呀！

Dear, 我爱你！

x.x

Personal principle kills.

1-6-2010

六月一日，

都要十一点啦，一杯牛奶，两片面包，三分钟烤炉。。。 一二三！就是我的晚餐咯。

今天很开心。早上还很担心，很着急。非常感谢我的同学，给我复习了。很紧张，但很有信心。翻开考卷，也很开心，出的都有读到。考完试后，就去图书馆温习明天的科目。

和同学一起多开心呀！读书真好！很快的，就要和他们说再见了。没什么机会了一起相距了。

原本要带她去吃早餐的，又给我弄迟啦。路上好塞车呐。只好换路程啦。

 她忙了一正天，做了好多蛋糕给她朋友，也留了两个给我。你说呀，多开心呀我。

真是的！真的变了豆腐阿。。。双手都麻了，脚也扭伤了，头疼了，胃穿了，心也麻了，泪都干了。。。 我也累了。。。晕啦~！

多希望能有一部宝马呀！驾一正天的车也不会累吧。那就不会发脾气啊~！哈哈！

31-05-2010

I'm not feeling well... not physically....

What I can think, people can think too;
What people sees, I might not see;
What I get, people might never get too.

Different printer print different colours;
Different people sees different colours too.

NO one will ever know what's one's thought.

30-05-2010

Yesterday, got a task from sir in the morning. Pam's eye getting worse, went to buy her some medicine, help grandma to buy some pills too. Went to shop to do some printing. Then rush back home to take some stuff. Rush to college to have some revision. Thanks a very good friend of mine for waiting me, taught me and gave me confident for my finals. Rush back home to finish up the task got earlier, wanted to make a card for a sister-like good friend. Got a call from Pam, she wants to dine with her families, just the right time, I'm on my way back. Freaking jam due to some road construction in major highway plus some irritating incident happened. Took double of time to reach home, my spec is broken again... so farking pissed.. Tried to cool down & called up Pam to confirm timing for the meet up, canceled...(pissed & had some argument again, wtf everything is up to me and in the end things will blame on me??? wtf with letting you make the choice? *lost control after that*)

Night, not feeling well at all... everything planned and promised are undone. Went to dinner with Pam & them. Said it only gonna be a while. Then food ordered obviously attendance to Munya's place is off. Shown up someone farking blow smoke to my food! You not giving me any better image at all since the first time I know the existing of you. Fark off and happy killing. Freaking more not well after that... Feeling like to puke... YC is more important than a best friend's once in a life time birthday party? Some more is with some people who don't like me too... (don't judge my act, you don't have the right one either)

SAD. Beach does not formed in a day. Lots more reason for that. Sorry Munya.

Today, I love to wake up early in the morning! Try to delay some time, maybe Pam will change her mind wake up early to go training too. No, and I'm going to be late. Heading to my car and saw a 2 foots long scratch on my car! Fark! Must be someone hit my car last night... Rush to shop get my stuff where I didn't get the chance to do so (so pissed even try to think back! You just mad at me where I got task from my superior...). Rush to training classes by 'flying' my car... Meet some SH... Fark you! You don't speed, it's not my problem, wtf u want to mess with me? I'm late for the class. Not bad for the day with the kids. Today, I got assigned with two problems kids, I instruct them, and the successful rate is only 30%... A kid is total failure, another is not as good as I expected.

First session end, finally its the time I waited for every week. It's the only time for me to release my stress!! Had some serious training... It's was so exhausting, everyone are... And I had a fall during a reaction chasing training.. Right before I was down, I can't feel my leg. Its the first time I had this... Got some minor injuries... Class end, glade to meet up with my bro again. Sadly, no class for the coming week.

29-05-5010

Fark thoese CB repair road on saturday noon! Fark them CB all go 1U jam tewhole highway! Fark modified exhaust kancil! Fark holidays! Fark exams! Fark packed schedule! I'm farking care the rumors out there! Fark my farking broken spec!!!!!! ARGHHHH!!!!!!!!! I'm farking hungry! I'm farking CB dizzy!!!!! My chest is painful since this morning!!! I'm having headache since days ago!!! I'm not studied anything for my final!!! I can't go to my very good friend's birthday party as I promised... I have problems!!!

I'm feeling farking not well!!!! & I'm farking bad mood!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't do or do thing i need to do...

Why want to argue some more???????

I've done lots of regrets.... Now, I just wish not to have any regrets more in my life in case of anything happened...

"I HATE YOU!!!!"

So you hates me. Okay. hahahahahahaha! right right.... ALRIGHT! HATES ME!!!! HAHAHAHA! Thanks... I guest you are not the first nor the only one too....

Bad dream.

Bad dreams are called nightmare. But mine, is not, it occurs in the morning.

Yesterday, I got a dream. Not a nice one. But, I feel good because I got a very nice feeling with it. I don't know, It make me want to call Pam, wife. =), not long after that, nightmares strike... The worst part is, there are so many many many non stop bad dreams following up! I'm not kidding. I don't remember what dreams are those, I don't want to remember too... I keep woke up and pass out too... This is terrible... Today even worse... I dream about I having my last breath... I saw Pam, it's somewhere like a them park... I also saw grille, a cliff, soil, snow, sand & snow again... I felt my dad was around too...  It was dawn... I have no more energy... I was sad...

26-05-2010

Her friend was beaten by her bf... SH guy and gf. The girl ask that guy to do so! I said the girl deserved it mean that I support valency upon couples? Is that mean that I will do it too??? How if was her? She will be the same! She said that don't 大 her, because she will do exactly what you 大 her. And fark! She though that I will bit her as well in the same situation... Damn farking pissed! So am I a guy who beat my own gf? x.x

Wat the faring wrong with these peoples? beat his own gf... yeah, maybe talking in a high volume is equivalent with beating gf? Okay! So I'm a criminal too... Did I ever hurt you? Yes!! I did! But you answered no. How funny was me... How pathetic is me...  HAHAHA!

I'm sucks.

There are lots of thing, I didn't say doesn't mean it never happen... You didn't tell me, doesn't mean I don't know. When I know, it breaks my hearts. In your mind, I'm just a guy with no different to the others. A rubbish. For you, I'm just a moron who will do the same thing like the others. I give you most of what you want where I capable to do so. Sorry for those I can't make it. What I see in results, you don't feel to like it either. Things i bought for you, sucks. Dishes i cooked for you, sucks. Cake I bake for you, sucks. Massage I did for you, sucks. Words I talked to you, sucks. Card I made for you, sucks. Words I wrote to you, sucks. I drive sucks. I got a cheap car too. Right, I got the worst taste, worst hand & mouth an the ugliest hand writing in this world... I hope you will become very rich a day, u buy what you like and the best thing in the world and please throw away all these stupid cheap thins that i bought for you even it cost me a very long time of saving for it.... Maybe very soon, I will get disappear I this world. I don't feel myself right... I'm not feeling well.

ps: I hope I'll be fine.

Hopeless.

Hahahahahaha! So what I suppose to do??? She think I will do so... any maybe I did it before... I so freaking hate it... I'm a junk... HAHAHHAHAHAH!!!! HA! HA! HA! I'm a BAD GUY!!!

And it rather to talk with friend than bf.. cause I know, bf will always lead topic to argument and fighting in the end... Damn farking disappointed with myself... hopeless human being on the earth....

She said she doesn't care about me anymore. It came out from her own mouth.

And I so worry that the moment I still can be on this planet or existing in this world is going to be less... I want and hope to treasure everything I got? now but it seems to be quite an unsuccessful things for me... I fail myself... Hoping for another chance to be given? Why should people give it to me where I don't even care? Who say I don't care! Is me who care too much and lead to the day I have today! I'm too much and always in the wrong path perhaps? And one thing for sure, I don't give up easily... I hope there are no reason for me to have the chance to give up either....

To myself: Stay strong... Like she told me, I have believe...

Anger.

Recently I felt that I'm still that emotionally... Easy lost control of myself... Emotionally...  Even worse is that I felt like I can't breath... My brain is stuck.... It similar to stroke... The muscle of my face is like being pulled... I feel dizzy... and want to vomit... chest is pain some times too... What a weak man... Can't believe that I'm these kind of people... WTF...
In the other and, I got many nightmare and bad dreams, some time wake up and confuse which one is the real world... Even worse, I got more than 10 bad dreams before i wake up today... What's wrong with me? I dun even trying to remember any of them...

Anger is shortening my life... I DON"T WANT THAT!
Should I get an expert on these? A doctor or Psychologist? I think I got problems...

Nah!

I HATE CHILDISH YOUNGSTER!!!
Wake up la!! Get into college already still have a brain like those who still sucking mummy's tits! Nah!
And dun freaking think you are very cool with your farking cigarette. You smoking doesn't make me less a hair, but your farking smelly breath is very irritating! Fark off you smoker and don't farking come near me or my people!  Happy killing yourself and people around you!

19-05-2010

I had a bad morning ahead today. Having some problem with pam this morning. I'm mad at her. And she don't bother me anymore. She is always like running from problems. So this time she ran to work. minute before things get worst... As what she stated before... She do some nonsense thing to avoid argument. She house keeping my room, and keep ignore me. And i know she did so because she was mad too... She just don't want to have fight with me. I tried to talk, she just said she do so because of my room is in a mess and i don't want to throw away unwanted thing. And the moment she went to work, i get a bag and throw everything that I feel like to throw. Keep everything that i felt I don't want to see... One thing that is ridiculous to me is that she keep one of my watch into display box because I said before that I like another watch. It is a present of my previous gf. And because of it, we fight and argue for many times already.... And now she want me to wear that and kept the another watch... speechless, don't know what to do....

I very felt dizzy... My head is in pain... Slept very late the day before. Just because of she want to make some fun for me and i rejected it, and we argue again that time. I tried to chill myself soaking in blast music. Tried to have her in my hug in bed.

I wash up myself and went to college. I was late. My friend called me for few time... I going to college late because of I'm feeling very unwell, both physically and emotionally. I drove very fast on the way... with a very loud radio on... I can only stress myself out by drive real fast! and blasting music so set my mind free and shout out my anger... All the way long, Pam keep appearing on my mind as everyday of my daily life now. I'm thinking that what if something happen on me I drive like this.. How bout my family, peoples who love me... but I don't care it anymore.... I want to run away from all these anger and stress.... i felt like to cry.... I still can hear my car's engine roaring where the music playing is blasting like a thunder... My car was so stressed... i can feel the roaring is so high in pitch.... but my car doesn't built for all these... but it doesn't stop me from revving it... I just want to run out from everything!!!!!!!

By the time i reach college, my friend is about to off. I was unhappy, so i went to McDonald's, maybe the meal can make me happier... Ya, it help abit. And i went back to my office... but in half way through, I start to drive like my shit is coming out of my pant. I press all the way my car;s acceleration paddle, and rev my car like it screaming for mama.... almost double of the speed limit of the major highway with heavy traffic... cutting into lanes, left and right all the way.... I still mad at myself, disappointed in myself...

Just moment ago, me and pam having serious fighting in office. Everyone heard it. Even my mom and my relative is there too... All my fault with my stupid attitude and pam's style. ALL MY FAULT!!!!!!! Screw me!

I alway felt regrets after things are done. I felt miserable after that day i scolded my dog because of she go out in a heavy rain, and refuse to go in her cage. I scolded her and she went onto her room and starring outside the window with her red eyes on.... I was hating myself why the hell i want to scold her for??? I horn and high beam a old uncle because of he cutting in to my lane with a very slow speed at a sharp corner on the road... It remind me of many years back I drove a 4 wheel drive horn and scolded a very old uncle on the road in a rain at night... I was just a stupid farking brainless cb pk hc evil sh moron! of course, WTH i want to talk to my gf in a high volume? with my parents too??? I know i shouldn't do so and i did it!! Fark me!!! I felt guilty.

I'm also a bf who not a good person to tak to and gf need to find peoples around to chat.... freaking loser bf....

My chess is pain, from morning till now... I'm having headache & stomachache... I was told that i'm a toufu... ya.. I'm... I hurt my foot when having sparring during training... both my legs injured during sparring in a grading test... I injured my lower body with a heavy kick at my buttock... where shit is almost came out... just some minor accident and my body get wounds... and also my heart... is so fragile now... i was so easy to get hurt emotionality... tears came out so easily... yes, I'm a toufu. call me toufu... fragile TOUFU!

Just wondering and worry that I might have some mentally disease... I'm so emotionally now a days... have serious mood swing etc... Hope that the people around will be fine if really something happen to me... I love you all very much....

Conclusions, I'm a stupid ugly weak farking brainless selfish cb pk sensitive hc evil sh jealous loser miserable moron fragile toufu! Get rid of me!

My guess.

Recently, I became more emotional. EQ is low again... Worrying many things... Like every single thing is bothering me. Can't stop worrying Pam go out there... Also, I read some article o paper... Its about some melancholic or some mental problem disease... Worry about having those too... i hope not... but kind of similar to those symptom too... urhhh....

I guess, the key is, I hang out with friends more, or more social activities, involve myself to others more... talks with peoples... Just make the community circle bigger and wider... Know more peoples, understand others more... Then, I will not think too much and back to normal a bit.... hope so... =)

10-05-2010

Each time I logged on my blog, I will saw a words "my feelings are not important to you".... is it? Urgh... It have been almost a week I'm not sleeping well... so do her... It also almost a week that I'm not feeling well too... I got stomachache every time i had my meal. I don't know how... Not feelings to seek for doctor either. Today, I'm not feeling well, physically and mentally as well. I'm so tired... It almost late to send Pam for her exam. Caught in traffic jam even using smart tunnel... Fortunately can reach in time. I din had my shower & 'bank in' earlier, if i had, properly she will be late... I got stomachache again... Rushing back to my college, I'm late for my appointment too... I go into my room, a guy was found sleeping on my bed! WTF! His pc, paper works, everything on my desk! WTF he was thinking? Aren't there is another desk bed then mine?? Fark you! Some ppl's frn over night on my bed! using my desk! plug in with my network cable and wtf u want to untie mt cables??? fark you! Next, not more words to speak, i rush into washroom... wtf, i think i got some problem with my stomach...

My tutor come and we start my revision after a breakfast. It took about 5 hours non-stop of revision. I hope this could help on passing my resit paper...

Not long after Pam finish her exam, i make a call to make sure she was fine... She was having meal with her course mate. I got my stomachache again... No phone calls after that... she not calling or even telling me what her plan... what time to pick her up. more than 10 calls are made... Non is responding... An sms came after many of hours. Pam will watch movie with her friend. Another sms after couple of minutes. She say she will be back in short. Ok, so I quickily copy up my notes, packing and leaving. I was warn by my friends that I should stay and do my revision, i insisted. I have to pick my gf home.

I'm on my way to pick up Pam. I was so tired. The rain was to heavy. And I'm worry... about pam. My phone rang, she told me that the railway is delaying due to the rain. What the.... I'm reaching the place... I text her back to see maybe she might know how long it could takes for the rail back to function again. Hmm... What i got? I just got a call and get scolded. "..........." what can I say? What you expected me to do? scolding you for don't know how long it would take? Scolding you for the delay of the train? I just want to check things out and see maybe there's something I can do while waiting...I just try to see that you might know new information... What I want???(always been asked) what I want? I just want to make sure you can reach your destination safely, I could let you sit down comfortably, no need to jam with others in the public tans, no need to wait... And I don't even know where got what transportation available, what buses or rail you can reach easily... That's why I ask which the easies for you?? And I was alwasy been told that "do what you like" " you like lo"... What I like?? I want to make things easier for you, no need you to take long wait for buses, Que long to get in train or change station... You know that you know more about that than me where I'm only a nerd?

Okay, I hope you already cool down yourself... i don't want to make fighting between us....

Late.

I'm too late for it.... my FYP... Still undone... Stuck...
But I believe miracle... It'll be done on time...
In the other hand, not so good... I'm easy get frustrated recently... Maybe there's too much undone...
I want bring her go movie... but i couldn't... i hope everything are going to work fine and I can bring her for the movie this weekends...

HATE!

Arghh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hate it so much!!!! Why just can't everything be nice??? Everyone is thinking that I'm that BAD!!! I can't do my work!!!!!! I can't finish it!!!!!!!!! ERGH!!!!!!! SO freaking failure!!! Keep my farking mouth shut!!!!!!!!! I hate it so mcuh that i destroy a beautiful morning!!! Why dun just have a big stone and blow up the whole world now!!!! Hate myseld so much!!!!!! I'm going to crazy!!!!! I duno how to speak out all these stress!!!!! My farking car is damage! My freaking gate is spoiled! My project is undone! I'm hungry and felt like vomit! Whole body felt itchy! My head is so pain! My eyes are in red, tired and painful......... Whole body muscle pain... Everything i plan doesn't work!!!!!!!!!! I hate to see my gf is sad!!! I hate that I'm bad to others! I hate that my gf seeking ppl help to do things instead of asking me to do! I hate that i can't teach my gf a better english! I hate that I said those words that make people sad! I hate to be misunderstood by others!!! I hate that I can't speak properly ad people duno wat I'm talikng about!!!! I hate I can't express my feelings but just can act like a spoiled child... I hate that I can't stand up and do what i should do!!! I hate that I such a junk!!!!! I hate that I can't wake up in the morning and forgot about what's wrong yesterday!!!!

I hope to turn back time that the world is still beautiful and without the existing of me....I just turn the world into messed...

x.x

OKay!!! I was just a farked up bf... a loser who duno wat happen to own gf... Rather to being like a small child than a person who can protect or provide secured comfort lever for his own gf...
Really felt like a loser and giving up.... Never had these felt to give up... but things strike continually... academic progress, health, family, relationship, career, financial.. most importantly -- life... was once live with full of self confidence, I think I'm great with the personality that I'm having... I was once the cherries person who help others when they're having problems, rise them up when they're down, giving them advise and talks with them when they're all alone and helpless... Today, I felt like I'm not that person anymore... I don't know why... I was so farked up... I used to so proud of myself... Recently, I just hate myself for having such mind set... WHY I got those mind set??? Why dun i just think things like normal peoples... Why the fark i want to think things so detail? Why so care of everything?? As I know nothing is perfect but why stll i want things to be perfect??? Even having a meal, non of even 1/5 of a small little rice must not to waste??? Can't stand my own attitude either... Asking back, how could I give others love where I'm hating myself???

Even my friends are getting lesser and lesser... Friends are there, but Its like a hundred years ago since I really hang out with them.... Feelings that my world is closed... Just myself.. alone... I have my gf around, but I couldn't face her sometime... I felt disappointed at myself ... Don't know why I always make her feels unhappy... I couldn't get in the situation that she is having... Some time, she rather keep her own feelings or talk to her friend... I don't really know her feelings some times, I didn't do my part as a bf, and i still acting like a childish person... She ask other people to teach her things rather than asking from me....I was just a bad person to be a bf... just a useless creature...

Felt myself is a junk... I hope GOD can help me, sadly, some times i even doubt the existing of GOD, but I know GOD is there, and GOD will help me too...

*took a deep breathe* telling myself not to give up... Stay alive!!!

Hopeless...

I think that I'm really hopeless...
Please tell me!!!
What can I do??
Just hate myself in this kind of situation...
Hate myself for all these stupidity...
Want to stop all these...
Worries so many things...
Urhh....
Thinking to give up everything... I mean EVERYTHING...
But I still keep telling myself not to give up ANY!
Keep in mind the positive might make things better.... hope so...

Design.

Just saw some people works on the web and so called 'graphic design'... *shake-head* Got a feelings want to train up the staff to a better lever of handling these software. Especially the hardest people to be train by ourself, gf... It was a common issue with teaching gf new things... It normally lead to a fight... hahaha! But still, I'm not giving up... =)

Hopeless.

I just found myself did or said something really really stupid... A pure breed sohai...
X.X

被撞

就有预感会发生，真的发生了。

今天，我的车被撞到了。
担心放在哪儿会有人碰到，傍晚就想到把它给移进室内停车场，但学生都还没放学，没有空位，只好晚些再移吧。哪知，不久，就听到有人喊“乓”接着，熟悉的alarm声就响起了。。。 我急忙冲去房间去看个究竟。。。 啊！！不是吧！！那么多人围着我的车子！果然，我的车被撞到了。。。

Become a history.

Today, I just felt miserable when I'm migh just kissing my watch good bye... Not a very valuable time piece, but I do have important memorial for me. This is a gift for my 21st birthday from my previous gf... I'm always have it on my wrist is because, for me, its a very good, nice watch. I always wanted to have a real nice watch, and my wish granted during that birthday. It meets most of the requirement of my dream watch. Many people thought that I still have it on my wrist is that I'm yet letting go my previous relationship. For me, its different... This watch meant a lot to me, it represent the officially of me getting into a new stage of life, just like the golden key my dad gave me. A symbol of a maturity, a symbol of my granted wishes. I love this watch.

Last night, I was not happy... Someone said that I'm wearing the watch present by my ex-gf... and some peoples are not okay with it... wth? so I like that watch but I can't wear it just because of its from my ex-gf?? And wth with my gf must buy me a new watch? because of this ****ing topic and me and my gf argued... So wth u all peoples thinking of? Why not like this? Ask my gf to buy me a new house cause she went here before, buy me a new car where i used to fetch her? Throw all the clothes, all the stuff she bought for me? Best of all, just throw the ****ing me away because I'm belongs to some one else before too! And part of me even made of my ex too! **** you! Please open up ur mind abit la! ****ing serious I don't even bother my gf using stuff bought by her ex... There're no need for my gf to buy me a watch is because there's no need for her to buy me an expensive watch! We only buy what we need! Not everyone like you all work high paid, even no need to work also can put a hand out asking money from parents! I'm cool with u all, but I just can't stand what you all made my gf desperate... I know I'm too much, but I still want to do this... anyway, sorry for this... I'm sensitive. Sure my gf will be mad to read this. WTF! And i don't fucking care! This is my thought!

Right after I back home, the watches was doomed. Left in my drawer... Soon, it will be sat in its box... Goes to a dark world where no one will see it again, being a history... Trapped inside a memorial palace... Left some memories go on.... I hope my life does follow the path of this watch... I have to move on.... Looking forward to a brighter side...

Party.

Going to a party this week end. Heard the host rent a lot to have that birthday celebration party. This party will be end very late... or should i say early morning in the next day? Haha... Of course, there'll be lots of fun there... just worry that it might disturb the nearby residents... or even being report as illegal gathering???? omg... I think better get out of there right after the candles blown... Some more got grading test in the next day... wtf... I was so not ready for the test! Those patterns, kicks and one step sparring... need to do minimum 8 sets of it.... urhh.... Need to sparring some more... I just don't want people to get hurts.... J/K... I was the person who get hurt all these long... Okay, wish me luck... Double promotion!!!

Lag.

I'm too far away to the life that I wanted to be. Too far away.... It is something that in a totally different world. Very different level of life.

Some how, blogging is like a way to release stress for me... throw out everything not happy here... Put up my though and some nice things to remember too...

If I'm in the wrong train, it will be like a never turn back trip... even taking another board to back where I actually wanted to, it still will be different. Also, different timing already, everything still going to be changed.

I was not being negative or what, ya, obviously my English is sucks... I can't help to make instant improvement... Everything I'm doing is like dragged behind... everything being postponed. Hate my own attitude... I know there're good side of mine, but some time people is stubborn, doing wrong things even they did know the consequences...

Smoker.

Still remember those days I farked up with my friends because they smoke. Even I scolded my relative who are smoke too. So you think that you who are not even my friend expecting I'm so generous to accept the way you all smoke and even sit beside me? Go to HELL u all smokers!

Unwell.

Felt like vomiting...

Surprised.

I was sooooooo surprised... There is 1 comment on my blog! The first ever comment since this blog was created. so touched... Realized that there're people around visit to my blog... Thanks for the concerns... =)

Better.

Regarding to the previous post, I did a little bit over-reacted on the phone... Due to I felt that I was always ignored... OK, trying yo be chill when some negative things strikes... Maybe a simple reply or conversation can solve most of the problems... okay, she just called me back to see if I'm okay... It's help a lot to calm me down... I appreciate it.... Thanks...

Things will works better when time pass... It's all about understanding between each other... Communication in between is very important... Less words which lead to war & a little bit more polite way in conversation can reduce the damage between relationship...

Write a blog is not that hard, but in report, it seems to a little bit tougher... It's time for me to continue my report... omg...

Pissed.

ARGH!!! I'm going to crazy soon!!!

It's something that bother me since months ago. So the dead line is getting close... and when it was closer & closer, some how my attitude made me kind of hard to control my actions... Have to keep it secret, make sure everything goes fine, other stuff are ready for it too... lots... Trying so hard to be patience...

Today, i get news that I have to spend extra money for other peoples too... And the one who make this decision tell me that it just a joke when i ask for the confirmation of this incident. So am I a joke? I was told that I made almost all decision no matter others are agree or ok with it. What the? Did I? I just propose, or suggest, then peoples will always like: oh, since u want, then do so lo... Did I say I must want it to be like that? Am I that ego that made every decision by my own? I just know that there're times that I was told to do something, but then I'm need no more for that thing, and I wasn't inform at all... so I clear all my schedule, for that, and it end up with just sit there and wait. This time, it's like everything settled and I should do it as a must where I never been told or discuss about it... I was surprise... Urh..... Okay, since it have been decided, maybe I can do a little more budget and cut down all my other expenses, I think I still can do it... Just that It might be some tough days after that.

Months passed by, at last, I've made my decision that what to get. This is something that I not even buy for myself before... Have to save a lot of money for it, even have to let go some plans. The good news is, it came to town earlier than expected! Great! It just came in the right time... So I doing some survey about it... Tried so many places and sources... Still can't get it... Waiting for calls... It have to arrived in time... Hope everything go fine...

Plan is there, but there're plenty of other stuff going on around and have to solve too... I think this really made me a little bit crazy recently... Not eat well, not sleep well, so emotionally... EQ is getting lower... Some more I am acting weird where I never did so before... omg... Just like a baby too...

Patience, patience... I think everything that I do is worth to be... Everything will be fine... Just thinking that person will be very happy & will be touched is enough to keep me on track... Hold on! You too be patience!!! Hahaha!

The thing that I heard most, would be:

"Doo doo... doo doo......... the number you have dialed, is currently not available"

CB peoples...

Like this also scold, like that also scold... Like they very 'big' like that... Ask people treat also like people must do everything to suite them... They work and get paid every month also still want to use people's stuff... share something with them still get scold from them... Ya, even some stuff got it free, so what? It still her stuff what? Want to use still want to find problem to argue... So 'smart' buy yourself la! People's stuff more nice, then go borrow o use... Fark! so 'clever' go borrow people's husband lo! CB! Even your few hundred ringgit is so big meh? Your present very expensive meh? People also didn't ask for it... but why want to say till like people asking for it? Always do stuff double face... 'friend' with u here and stab people's back at behind... Always flatter on other people, like they very good... Another one, even worse... Never take a mirror to look at them self... Like they very 'beautiful' like that.... what an rotten egg inside.... Only got excuses... ask them do work they got something else to do... Never work for the promises... So arrogant.... giving fake promises all the time... When people get trouble, they never give any help as their promised... even drop more stone on you... Stubborn! never listen people's advises... brainless human... Eat too much & drink too much! Lazy! Even worse and a brain-retarded pig! Only know how to make story behind, gossip around... Always fool around and cheat people to pay bills... Selfish! Always borrow people stuff to use! even they can't fit in! Fark! Like them self are very socialise people... Only know some morons.... Tough them self are Shakira and actually worse than a retarded blinded old fat chimpanzee swinging around mud.... All of them are born with a pair of dog eyes... look down people... When people get something very nice which they can't get or.... opps... they not deserve to be more suitable... they usually will find something to spoil people's great time... when they got problems, they only know how to make them self look pity... and most of the time, they are "innocence"... pui! What so big with your money? When people treating you all nicely, never feel thankful to people, even worse that still complain here and there... When people getting trouble, just stand there and see people die... Ask people to shut up, double up your pillow tonight and try use your remaining brain to think think how yourself is la!

Just felt unreconciled for a person who born to have such peoples around and received undeserved treats...

SAU PEI LA! CB peoples!

**try to put smaller wordings to make this blog a little bit less negative feel**

Depression

Saw a TV show talks about this sickness syndrome. I found that the problem I'm having recently matches some of the symptoms of this sickness... I worried about mom too... She have more matches of the symptoms...

Money matters.

It seems to be just a money matter... Why must all decisions always made by money come first? How bout life? love one? families? Yes, I can't denied that for the world we live in today, we are barely survive without money... But why? Money is really more important than anything else where it should be come in the first place to making a decision?

Choosing a far-a-way resort which meals and accommodations are provided and just to skip some transport fees and a little rental fees? It's really less money to be consumed to choose a such way? Is that only that few matters to be considered? Is that simple? So it's like a bird is rather to choose to stay in a cage than need a little harder effort to find food around?

It seems to be you made your choice since the beginning... Maybe I was think too much.. Maybe i just though that I'm thinking really that detail? Or just my stubbornness keeps me stand still at my point of view... But still, how if I'm right too?? Maybe I'm totally wrong, what the bird choose is freedom and it really get what it wants... not that as i see it was in the cage... I don't know...

I wish that I could have that large amount of money now and problems solved... You get everything you want... And I have no need to worry that is there any decision made wrongly... Or I did the wrong decision or give wrong advise... I am selfish... who's not? Maybe there is someone...

I also wish that there's some one here to talks to me, guide me and tells me what's right, what's wrong... Gives me advices at least some comments... I think is more likely for something that I wish to be happen...

WHAT AM I DOING???!!!

WHAT AM I DOING???!!!

WHAT AM I DOING???!!!

WHAT AM I DOING???!!!

WHAT AM I DOING???!!!

WHAT THE FUCKING SHIT I'M DOING????

WHAT THE FUCKING HELL CB HKC I'M FUCKING DOING?????

AAAAAAAARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"I was just about to bed! THAT'S IT!"

误解

被人误解，不好受。 可以说任何东西来解释，可以是事实，也可以是谎言。很容易人误解，给他人假象，让人误会？可能因不想那么快让人揭晓，揭开的太迟，也就这样，不合时的惊喜，悲剧发生了。

我只是随着心情，顺其自然吧。。。词汇有限的我，不善于表达，难于将思考的，转化为文字，或表达出来。 好想能有一个链接电缆，毫无隔膜地让人阅取思想，观念，性情，或在想什么。。。

我很想说出来，但不懂怎么说呀。。。

Illusion.

Things always not as what we see. Do you think that what you see is really what you see? Hahaha... This is science... You looking at a printed material, there're pictures on it... What you might sees might not be what you really sees, the picture is not a picture actually... That colourful 'picture' is just a combination of only four different basic colour fine dots... This can be said as an illusion. So as words, news, story, anything... Things look differently when you see it in different angle or view. When a signal is sent out, different medium gets different information.

It is not "A memorial for an end of a relationship".

It is "A memorial for the begins of a new life".

Who cares? This is why misunderstanding are alway occurs... There's no prevention of it... same as war... Who's right who's wrong? Why must give a damn on it?

Plan.

There's a thing that distressed me. It start even few months ago... Even because of that, a few argument had occurred.. I don't know what to do. Recently, I got a few little hints... So I did some research... In the end, I can't get what I want... There are still some thing can be considered, but it will never can be done on time... In the other hand, I talk to some people, looking for idea... and I found that another problem appear where I still got no idea for existing one... Oh no... I have to totally change the plan...

Wish me luck.

Stressed.

I got a feeling... Not a god one... If you ask me why, I don't know... I was confuse. I was happy, but sad too... I can't convert my thought into words... There're like no one I can talk to... Pam got her own problems... My friends? How many friends do I have? I mean the really can talk with? Yes, there're some... It'll be a long long long story to tell where I'm not a good story teller... My partner... I wish to talk to her.. I found very hard to talk my feelings to people... I don't know how to start a word... Pam ask me: how r u? I can't even answer her... I don't know how to tell... Like no one will know what happen to me. Sometimes, I drive real fast... dangerous one... It's like driving is now my only way to express myself... When I'm driving, I can choose my own road... The car go where I wanted it to go, it run fast as I wanted it to be... Even it's not a really good performance car, there are limits... It can't accelerate faster as I wanted it to be... It can't go faster speed as I wan to run... It don't really that comfortable as I trying to have... but most of the time, it still under my control... Life is not.

I want to set myself free... Not to think so much... Let everything go... not everything I have to control... Trying hard to free myself... What I stressed for? I don't know? Friends and love one are always there for me... They do help a lots... but in the end, it still back to my decision... But at least, I just want to share my thought or just to shout out my mind....

AAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!

I'm lost and drown.... Save me... please... (:'c)

Hoitong.

It's my cousin's farewell party before he go to NS. We went Hoitong... Kind of board to go Hoitong... But this visit is quite good... I ogt my little cousin to squeeze orange juice for me... This is quite a relax diner... Pam cook and do everything for me this time... hehehe... Mom cook for me too... My cousins take all the 'delivery' jobs... They bring me ice-cream, fruits, almost everything... hehehe...

Thanks Pam, Mom, sis, all my cousins.. =)

Forgiveness.

It's not that hard to forgive some one.. especially the one you really love. There's some one hurt me so so deep before... I'm still going to forgive that someone... I still remember there's a day my dog did something make me so so mad... I bit & scolded him very badly... But just a moment after that, I hug him and sayang it back... My heart is pain for doing so to him... He was so scared, and I comfort it back...

That was a dog... but for people.. thing alway not that easy... even I just mad a person for just a while, it can't be fine by just a hug and sayang back... It's not a very big problem.. maybe just a minute to calm down... a few shout out... or just talk to some one.... no more mad at them... but, sometimes, that person are just mad us back for that... It's not that hard for me to forgive a person, but it's was so hard for people to accept my forgiveness?

I'm not that hard to deal with... Why people always see me as a harsh person? I'm not.

Something missing.

Where is my life?

The day I go jogging, swimming, cycling, gym... Running with my dogs... Speeding with my racing car... Life is so beautiful... Soaking in the freezing water... floating at the pool... looking at the sky... Enjoying the view at the pool side... Put my foot on my runner, enjoying the breeze of the fresh morning air and the warm Sun shine... listen to the birds sing... water flow... Blue sky, green grasses and trees...

All these are never gone... alway there... Just that the life style had changed... There're ton of work load to be finish with... but it seems to be a endless job... There're work to do, but don't know what to do... I become more lazy... taking life too relax and cool... too chill... taking problem not seriously... dream too much...

Now, it's time to trim back to the right path... Trying to talk less... There're people say that we are born to have 2 ears and a mouth is that we are created to take more than give... Have to control myself, more to talk, more mistake... shut my mouth and just listen what people says... No more 'hou chi lan hai gam'...

Used talk with full confidence... Speak loud in public... Slow it all down, world can be more peaceful... (=>)

There're always complains, the cons, and the negative... when that 'something' is gone, or no more belongs to us, or meaningless, only realize that 'something' is the best one or the 'perfect' one... I know it is, but still, why must be critics since it is the best? This is called 'fan jin'...

Have to let go when it's gone... Only memories stays... the presents are so precious... it might be gone in the next second... But how many people on earth can really do so? just try lor... life goes on... let it be let it be... Suddenly, I miss my family, my gf, my dogs, my friends... (=>) Miss you all!!

When the some one is there, we go do something else, always 'still got time', 'later' on mind... but soon, only realize that there're no more chances, or time left... It's time to say goodbye again... Bye Bye... Then we'll say, "oh, I miss you so much"... what's the point? Are you happy with that? A 'No', for myself... Hmm.... thinking something now...

Okay... throw out something here is definitely comfortable a bit here... I don't know what exactly what I'm talking about, just type something which pop out in mind...

Good day! =)

Bad dream.

I dream everyday. Almost every time I sleep. Too many bad dreams... Not good at all... In my dream, there are always death around.... people dies... people get killed... please... stop it...

Excuses.

People always got their own reason and excuses when they did something wrong... Especially people ask them about it...

Cough.

Pam was sick...

She sleep very very late everyday during the holidays...

First, she got sore-throat... now worse..

She get cough...

Every of her cough is beating my heart...

She refuse to seek for a doctor...

So I make every possible drink to cure for her...

Every night she can't asleep cause of the coughing...

She vomit almost every night...

Today, her body temperature start raising...

She refuse to drink herbal tea.. she claim that it cause her vomit...

What can i do now is pray for her to get well soon...

She can't go travel with sick...

I hope the coffee might works...

Thanks for the Cheese cake... Love you.

Change of plan

Yesterday, it was a day which the plan start changing. Class canceled, not mine, it's Pam's. We planned to go shopping after our class and we changed it to do it today. She drive me to my shop, her driving skill is now better than before... Just that she got a little problem to parking at the narrow street. Overall, she done a good job... I still can't get my mouth shut when she driving... I'm just worry.... btw, there's few times I'm really scared. Anyway, It's very funny when she do the wrong way to turn the steering, she blame herself with a very cute voice... Then we both laugh... not because of her mistake, but her reaction.... hahahha!

Morning, alarm ring at 9am... My head is super heavy to stop the alarm... I'm back to sleep after stop the alarm... Pam still non stop coughing... since a week ago... 'Thanks" me, because of me she sleep late... It very sweet that the 1st thing you see when u open your eyes in the morning is Pam to wake you up... She wake me up a while after the alarm go off... and she went to bath... Dizzy heavy head made me back to 'rest' again... she woke me up for 3 times... and at last, she lost her patient, she get angry already... she back to sleep... I'm sorry dear. I know you don't want to hear that... Plus, I really like the warm, sweet feeling when you wake me up... This is why make me want back to sleep more... I'm frank.

Many things happened after that... Changed of plan is to correct or make sure the aim is achieved when some problems exist... but some poor arrangement of change may lead to serious problems and failure of the whole plan. I think I just ruined the whole plan. I don't know what to do.... help.....

一路以来，我都错了。

11-02-2010

It have been a long time since the last post here. I want to post some thing all the time, it’s not that I’m too busy… Every time I open up the page, my brain was blank out. I don’t know what to write… what to express…

Day after day, when ever I got something pop up on my mind, I can’t remember it long. When there’s something I want to express, I didn’t post it out… I just read it out words by words, in my mind.

Today, she talks to me... tell me things bothering her... Tears came out of her eyes... She was upset, disappointing and helpless... Nothing much that I can do... I hold her hand and calm her down... Hope that someone can know her more... that really really know what happen... Not that they just though they know but actually misunderstanding what's going on...

Me, I was not in a right mood since few days ago... I tried to clear all schedule for the three continues days for the birthday of two very important person in my life. Which are yesterday and tomorrow. Today, supposed to have a dinner with Pam's mom and send her to airport. Pam and me hope that we can make it since few weeks ago but that time I can't confirm my new time table. This week, i got my new time table, no class today but morning classes tomorrow. We can go for the dinner together and a little farewell at the airport tonight. Schedule are fine, everything is on. Yesterday, I was informed that dinner is on but without us, sending Pam's mom to airport will done by someone else. Everything was just canceled off with unknown reasons. And I was claimed or complained that I'm over controlling Pam... And something that sounds like I'm making every decision for Pam where she got no rights to voice out... WTH?

Waiting.

I waited and waited,

It doesn't appears,

There's nothing much that I can do,

I just wait again.

Again and again,

I might not be there to wait anymore...

沟通

不同时候，以不同的人，有不同的沟通方式。。。
我和她，也有不同的沟通方式，来沟通不同的话题。。。

很开心，她越来越了解我了。。。
当然，她也让我更了解她。。。
一些放在心里面，不肯定的东西，
也解决了。。。

虽然我知道，但我还是犯同样的错。。。
对不起，我不够体谅你。。。
谢谢你告诉我，我真的越来越欣赏你了。。。

我为你好，

却被你骂。

谢谢。

Something new.

It's a day I first meet gf's mom...

In a mall...

I saw her before my gf found her...

We go shopping...

My impression is that,

She's still her little girl...

Their relationship is getting a little bit complicated..

But still, she's her mom...

We went to have dinner together...

It's the first time i dine in that restaurant,

It's a famous restaurant,

but I giving them a 3 stars rate only...

Service is good, foods are fair,

Environment is fair,

Confortable is abitt low...

Is that as counted as a parent meeting?

But it allowed me to know them more...

But we have a fine dinner still...

After dinner, we went shopping...

I'm a bit tired, and i got some thing hidden...

So I'm showing a bit harsh...

I'm not really that fine actually,

but i some how I not really that agitate...

Felt a bit self-abased...

Went home, she din't felt well...

We talks... we shared our opinion...

She's quite strict and not allowed me to talk bout her family...

Then, we're going fine in the morning next day...

... to be continue...

*speechless*

You can go on everything you want to do!
I never stop you from any..
Just follow your way in everything...
Now, I'm just the worse person in the world...
Just to let you know what i think,
you just tough i was complaining or not supporting...

I put my work aside for you...
I waited... with patients, where i never have...
waited and waited, plan everything for you for your best,
And everything just "GREAT"...
means nothing are done...
Every thing i plan never works,
where every time you asked me to decide!

And you blame it all on me...
Thank you!!!

I was happy today, and I'm not now...

A month later.

Today, exacly a month where she is with me almost everyday. I'm alone for the last two days. Starting the day she start her new job. I'm going no where to do my assignment. It finally got a little more free time for me to write here. I thought of lots of things in the pass 2 days... Just don't know how to convert into words...

2 days of home stay. Drawing, fb, drawing, sleeping, drawing, fb, eating, drawing, ............ Just a few moment ago... finally got a little bit fresher mind... =)... more works to move on later... It's not bad to stay alone, I'll concerntrate more to do my works... Just that will miss some one constantly... She, start wokrking now... a new life has begun... It's great for her to start work again... at least, she will get pay and no need to worry her tuition fees... Even her meal everyday... But that kind of hard for her to work part time and study in the same time to support her living... I can't do much for her, she don't wants too... What to do? She born to be... That her life.... a bit bitter one...

I've talk to her constantly on phone... I can felt that she is happy working... even it was crazying-bored and the business is not that good.... She is doing fine with her colleuge... Me, I'm still with and un-open heart... Just trying so hard to make it more open... Maybe I'm lack of confidence or just no guts to do so... Just don't like that way... For examples... I really don't like her to hang out with another person too often... her colleuge fetching her through and flow to work everyday... working together for most of the time for whole day... work together, meal together, laugh together, go palces together... how 'great' was that... I'm consoled when she feel happy... In another hand, I just felt unwell...

I used to be a very confidented-person... I got most of the thing I want... Some I got the best one in the world... Present, I've lost many of it.... the best one also no more.... I became 'tiny'... Even less louder voice when I'm speaking... Doing things with a lowered head.... become self-abased... Where're the confidence all gone to?? I've zero-idea... Just don't how to be a good person... a better one... I'm still not understant waht is 'LOVE'... That's really an undefine "object"...

I tried so hard to make my gf happy... to understand her... take care of her for everything... she was just rejecting... she hidden her self and everything of her... Am I that kind of person who really that not worth to trust? What's wrong with me? She only share stuff with her best friends, her sister... Where I got nothing good as a bf... and she think that it was hard to be with me... Even a day, I heard the conversation of her with her best friend... It's not a very good comment on me... and she told me that they are only 'blowing-water'... From deep of my heart, I can seriosly feel that the truth... she is not just bluffing....

What am I? I'm nothing...

Dream

I always had dreams...
Dream which not the kind to achieve...
Dream which it appear itself...
When you close your eyes...
Which it can confuse you...
With the real world...
And the imagines...

Some times in dream,
I become smaller...
I was become smaller and smaller,
I was so tiny...
I'm far aways from you...
I felt the room become so huge...
The wall was so tall....
The floor was so big....
I'm only a very very small part of it...
Like a dust of the room...
I felt dizzy...
I can hear voices...
but I'm unconscious...
You are just right in front of me,
But i was being pulled away from you...
I tried to get closer to you...
But I was pulled away...
A drop of tear slip out of my eye...
I was hard to breath...
I tried so hard to open my eyes...
and at last, I can see you...
I was safe...
The world is not end... yet...
Thank you for pullind me back...
But the world changed...
Everything was different...
Everything was hidden...
There're no more picture of us...
No more....
The heart was broken...
I just broke it...
I can't fixed it....
I was hopeless...
I can just wait...
Wait for nothing?

My bad.

Few day ago, I was so confuse what I’m thinking…
I felt like I’m very different now a day…
I’m acting weird…
I do stuff that I usually don’t do…

One day,
A person appeared on my mind…
It remind me that the incident happened, how tat person felt…
Cause I felt it too… I don’t like it to happen to the one I did care now…
I was confused and down for few days…
I talked to my friends…
She was right too….
We are always live in a way to compare or to be compared…
There’s no need to compare our self to others…
Maybe I just lack of confidence… I’m…
Maybe I was just being compared,
Then I need to be better or just being myself?
I think to being myself will do fine… I’ll be fine… I have to…
And then I found what I want… And direction…
I realize something that I got now and I should really appreciate it now..
I learnt lessons from the pass…But I didn’t get it done right…
I think I hurt her again…
She love me so much…
All my friend can see it…
I can felt it too…
I like that feel…
But I hurt her so deep…
I don’t know what should I do…
Something I did wrong and it can’t be fixed…
I made her got the fell that I only pretend to like her…
I’m not, I didn't pretend… Seriously I'm NOT!!
I’m really honest with it…
I was told that we should not be too honest some times…
But I think some times it’s not that I’m honest, is too straight it hink…
I direct hurt a person… without turning…
Any single thought I will express out….
It really hurts…

Now, I was so afraid a thing to happen…
I don’t know what should I do if it really happens…
Maybe it’s something that both of us might expect it to happen a day…
What I thinking is, when ever there’s a challenge, we’ll get stronger when we pass through it…
I hope we can go through it…
Problems will still exist if we never solve them…
At least we know what is the problem…
I believe we can get through it…
Guide me to the right way too…
Thank you… my friends…
I love you, BB...

解释

解释可能只会把情况弄得更糟
真的，我已把事情弄得更糟了
我不是要安慰你
我只是想告诉你我想什么

Think.

I was told that I'm a very simple guy.
I will think about tomorrow, but not the day after.
Am I? Maybe..
I always think alot of things... think alot... think too much...
I found that what i think all these long are useless..
Things that I think is too derail on it and not far at all... only surface detail???
I know which is right and wrong, what should do and shouldn't,
but i just do stuff not according to my mind...
I know it's wrong and I still do it...

Why can't I just be simple is i was told?
Why I make stuff complicated?
I'm so not me.... It's time to fix it...

你

也许在挂念或想着另外一个人的，并不是我。