19-05-2010

I had a bad morning ahead today. Having some problem with pam this morning. I'm mad at her. And she don't bother me anymore. She is always like running from problems. So this time she ran to work. minute before things get worst... As what she stated before... She do some nonsense thing to avoid argument. She house keeping my room, and keep ignore me. And i know she did so because she was mad too... She just don't want to have fight with me. I tried to talk, she just said she do so because of my room is in a mess and i don't want to throw away unwanted thing. And the moment she went to work, i get a bag and throw everything that I feel like to throw. Keep everything that i felt I don't want to see... One thing that is ridiculous to me is that she keep one of my watch into display box because I said before that I like another watch. It is a present of my previous gf. And because of it, we fight and argue for many times already.... And now she want me to wear that and kept the another watch... speechless, don't know what to do....

I very felt dizzy... My head is in pain... Slept very late the day before. Just because of she want to make some fun for me and i rejected it, and we argue again that time. I tried to chill myself soaking in blast music. Tried to have her in my hug in bed.

I wash up myself and went to college. I was late. My friend called me for few time... I going to college late because of I'm feeling very unwell, both physically and emotionally. I drove very fast on the way... with a very loud radio on... I can only stress myself out by drive real fast! and blasting music so set my mind free and shout out my anger... All the way long, Pam keep appearing on my mind as everyday of my daily life now. I'm thinking that what if something happen on me I drive like this.. How bout my family, peoples who love me... but I don't care it anymore.... I want to run away from all these anger and stress.... i felt like to cry.... I still can hear my car's engine roaring where the music playing is blasting like a thunder... My car was so stressed... i can feel the roaring is so high in pitch.... but my car doesn't built for all these... but it doesn't stop me from revving it... I just want to run out from everything!!!!!!!

By the time i reach college, my friend is about to off. I was unhappy, so i went to McDonald's, maybe the meal can make me happier... Ya, it help abit. And i went back to my office... but in half way through, I start to drive like my shit is coming out of my pant. I press all the way my car;s acceleration paddle, and rev my car like it screaming for mama.... almost double of the speed limit of the major highway with heavy traffic... cutting into lanes, left and right all the way.... I still mad at myself, disappointed in myself...

Just moment ago, me and pam having serious fighting in office. Everyone heard it. Even my mom and my relative is there too... All my fault with my stupid attitude and pam's style. ALL MY FAULT!!!!!!! Screw me!

I alway felt regrets after things are done. I felt miserable after that day i scolded my dog because of she go out in a heavy rain, and refuse to go in her cage. I scolded her and she went onto her room and starring outside the window with her red eyes on.... I was hating myself why the hell i want to scold her for??? I horn and high beam a old uncle because of he cutting in to my lane with a very slow speed at a sharp corner on the road... It remind me of many years back I drove a 4 wheel drive horn and scolded a very old uncle on the road in a rain at night... I was just a stupid farking brainless cb pk hc evil sh moron! of course, WTH i want to talk to my gf in a high volume? with my parents too??? I know i shouldn't do so and i did it!! Fark me!!! I felt guilty.

I'm also a bf who not a good person to tak to and gf need to find peoples around to chat.... freaking loser bf....

My chess is pain, from morning till now... I'm having headache & stomachache... I was told that i'm a toufu... ya.. I'm... I hurt my foot when having sparring during training... both my legs injured during sparring in a grading test... I injured my lower body with a heavy kick at my buttock... where shit is almost came out... just some minor accident and my body get wounds... and also my heart... is so fragile now... i was so easy to get hurt emotionality... tears came out so easily... yes, I'm a toufu. call me toufu... fragile TOUFU!

Just wondering and worry that I might have some mentally disease... I'm so emotionally now a days... have serious mood swing etc... Hope that the people around will be fine if really something happen to me... I love you all very much....

Conclusions, I'm a stupid ugly weak farking brainless selfish cb pk sensitive hc evil sh jealous loser miserable moron fragile toufu! Get rid of me!