HATE!

Arghh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hate it so much!!!! Why just can't everything be nice??? Everyone is thinking that I'm that BAD!!! I can't do my work!!!!!! I can't finish it!!!!!!!!! ERGH!!!!!!! SO freaking failure!!! Keep my farking mouth shut!!!!!!!!! I hate it so mcuh that i destroy a beautiful morning!!! Why dun just have a big stone and blow up the whole world now!!!! Hate myseld so much!!!!!! I'm going to crazy!!!!! I duno how to speak out all these stress!!!!! My farking car is damage! My freaking gate is spoiled! My project is undone! I'm hungry and felt like vomit! Whole body felt itchy! My head is so pain! My eyes are in red, tired and painful......... Whole body muscle pain... Everything i plan doesn't work!!!!!!!!!! I hate to see my gf is sad!!! I hate that I'm bad to others! I hate that my gf seeking ppl help to do things instead of asking me to do! I hate that i can't teach my gf a better english! I hate that I said those words that make people sad! I hate to be misunderstood by others!!! I hate that I can't speak properly ad people duno wat I'm talikng about!!!! I hate I can't express my feelings but just can act like a spoiled child... I hate that I can't stand up and do what i should do!!! I hate that I such a junk!!!!! I hate that I can't wake up in the morning and forgot about what's wrong yesterday!!!!

I hope to turn back time that the world is still beautiful and without the existing of me....I just turn the world into messed...

x.x

OKay!!! I was just a farked up bf... a loser who duno wat happen to own gf... Rather to being like a small child than a person who can protect or provide secured comfort lever for his own gf...
Really felt like a loser and giving up.... Never had these felt to give up... but things strike continually... academic progress, health, family, relationship, career, financial.. most importantly -- life... was once live with full of self confidence, I think I'm great with the personality that I'm having... I was once the cherries person who help others when they're having problems, rise them up when they're down, giving them advise and talks with them when they're all alone and helpless... Today, I felt like I'm not that person anymore... I don't know why... I was so farked up... I used to so proud of myself... Recently, I just hate myself for having such mind set... WHY I got those mind set??? Why dun i just think things like normal peoples... Why the fark i want to think things so detail? Why so care of everything?? As I know nothing is perfect but why stll i want things to be perfect??? Even having a meal, non of even 1/5 of a small little rice must not to waste??? Can't stand my own attitude either... Asking back, how could I give others love where I'm hating myself???

Even my friends are getting lesser and lesser... Friends are there, but Its like a hundred years ago since I really hang out with them.... Feelings that my world is closed... Just myself.. alone... I have my gf around, but I couldn't face her sometime... I felt disappointed at myself ... Don't know why I always make her feels unhappy... I couldn't get in the situation that she is having... Some time, she rather keep her own feelings or talk to her friend... I don't really know her feelings some times, I didn't do my part as a bf, and i still acting like a childish person... She ask other people to teach her things rather than asking from me....I was just a bad person to be a bf... just a useless creature...

Felt myself is a junk... I hope GOD can help me, sadly, some times i even doubt the existing of GOD, but I know GOD is there, and GOD will help me too...

*took a deep breathe* telling myself not to give up... Stay alive!!!

Hopeless...

I think that I'm really hopeless...
Please tell me!!!
What can I do??
Just hate myself in this kind of situation...
Hate myself for all these stupidity...
Want to stop all these...
Worries so many things...
Urhh....
Thinking to give up everything... I mean EVERYTHING...
But I still keep telling myself not to give up ANY!
Keep in mind the positive might make things better.... hope so...

Design.

Just saw some people works on the web and so called 'graphic design'... *shake-head* Got a feelings want to train up the staff to a better lever of handling these software. Especially the hardest people to be train by ourself, gf... It was a common issue with teaching gf new things... It normally lead to a fight... hahaha! But still, I'm not giving up... =)

Hopeless.

I just found myself did or said something really really stupid... A pure breed sohai...
X.X

被撞

就有预感会发生，真的发生了。

今天，我的车被撞到了。
担心放在哪儿会有人碰到，傍晚就想到把它给移进室内停车场，但学生都还没放学，没有空位，只好晚些再移吧。哪知，不久，就听到有人喊“乓”接着，熟悉的alarm声就响起了。。。 我急忙冲去房间去看个究竟。。。 啊！！不是吧！！那么多人围着我的车子！果然，我的车被撞到了。。。

Become a history.

Today, I just felt miserable when I'm migh just kissing my watch good bye... Not a very valuable time piece, but I do have important memorial for me. This is a gift for my 21st birthday from my previous gf... I'm always have it on my wrist is because, for me, its a very good, nice watch. I always wanted to have a real nice watch, and my wish granted during that birthday. It meets most of the requirement of my dream watch. Many people thought that I still have it on my wrist is that I'm yet letting go my previous relationship. For me, its different... This watch meant a lot to me, it represent the officially of me getting into a new stage of life, just like the golden key my dad gave me. A symbol of a maturity, a symbol of my granted wishes. I love this watch.

Last night, I was not happy... Someone said that I'm wearing the watch present by my ex-gf... and some peoples are not okay with it... wth? so I like that watch but I can't wear it just because of its from my ex-gf?? And wth with my gf must buy me a new watch? because of this ****ing topic and me and my gf argued... So wth u all peoples thinking of? Why not like this? Ask my gf to buy me a new house cause she went here before, buy me a new car where i used to fetch her? Throw all the clothes, all the stuff she bought for me? Best of all, just throw the ****ing me away because I'm belongs to some one else before too! And part of me even made of my ex too! **** you! Please open up ur mind abit la! ****ing serious I don't even bother my gf using stuff bought by her ex... There're no need for my gf to buy me a watch is because there's no need for her to buy me an expensive watch! We only buy what we need! Not everyone like you all work high paid, even no need to work also can put a hand out asking money from parents! I'm cool with u all, but I just can't stand what you all made my gf desperate... I know I'm too much, but I still want to do this... anyway, sorry for this... I'm sensitive. Sure my gf will be mad to read this. WTF! And i don't fucking care! This is my thought!

Right after I back home, the watches was doomed. Left in my drawer... Soon, it will be sat in its box... Goes to a dark world where no one will see it again, being a history... Trapped inside a memorial palace... Left some memories go on.... I hope my life does follow the path of this watch... I have to move on.... Looking forward to a brighter side...

Party.

Going to a party this week end. Heard the host rent a lot to have that birthday celebration party. This party will be end very late... or should i say early morning in the next day? Haha... Of course, there'll be lots of fun there... just worry that it might disturb the nearby residents... or even being report as illegal gathering???? omg... I think better get out of there right after the candles blown... Some more got grading test in the next day... wtf... I was so not ready for the test! Those patterns, kicks and one step sparring... need to do minimum 8 sets of it.... urhh.... Need to sparring some more... I just don't want people to get hurts.... J/K... I was the person who get hurt all these long... Okay, wish me luck... Double promotion!!!

Lag.

I'm too far away to the life that I wanted to be. Too far away.... It is something that in a totally different world. Very different level of life.

Some how, blogging is like a way to release stress for me... throw out everything not happy here... Put up my though and some nice things to remember too...

If I'm in the wrong train, it will be like a never turn back trip... even taking another board to back where I actually wanted to, it still will be different. Also, different timing already, everything still going to be changed.

I was not being negative or what, ya, obviously my English is sucks... I can't help to make instant improvement... Everything I'm doing is like dragged behind... everything being postponed. Hate my own attitude... I know there're good side of mine, but some time people is stubborn, doing wrong things even they did know the consequences...

Smoker.

Still remember those days I farked up with my friends because they smoke. Even I scolded my relative who are smoke too. So you think that you who are not even my friend expecting I'm so generous to accept the way you all smoke and even sit beside me? Go to HELL u all smokers!

Unwell.

Felt like vomiting...

Surprised.

I was sooooooo surprised... There is 1 comment on my blog! The first ever comment since this blog was created. so touched... Realized that there're people around visit to my blog... Thanks for the concerns... =)

Better.

Regarding to the previous post, I did a little bit over-reacted on the phone... Due to I felt that I was always ignored... OK, trying yo be chill when some negative things strikes... Maybe a simple reply or conversation can solve most of the problems... okay, she just called me back to see if I'm okay... It's help a lot to calm me down... I appreciate it.... Thanks...

Things will works better when time pass... It's all about understanding between each other... Communication in between is very important... Less words which lead to war & a little bit more polite way in conversation can reduce the damage between relationship...

Write a blog is not that hard, but in report, it seems to a little bit tougher... It's time for me to continue my report... omg...

Pissed.

ARGH!!! I'm going to crazy soon!!!

It's something that bother me since months ago. So the dead line is getting close... and when it was closer & closer, some how my attitude made me kind of hard to control my actions... Have to keep it secret, make sure everything goes fine, other stuff are ready for it too... lots... Trying so hard to be patience...

Today, i get news that I have to spend extra money for other peoples too... And the one who make this decision tell me that it just a joke when i ask for the confirmation of this incident. So am I a joke? I was told that I made almost all decision no matter others are agree or ok with it. What the? Did I? I just propose, or suggest, then peoples will always like: oh, since u want, then do so lo... Did I say I must want it to be like that? Am I that ego that made every decision by my own? I just know that there're times that I was told to do something, but then I'm need no more for that thing, and I wasn't inform at all... so I clear all my schedule, for that, and it end up with just sit there and wait. This time, it's like everything settled and I should do it as a must where I never been told or discuss about it... I was surprise... Urh..... Okay, since it have been decided, maybe I can do a little more budget and cut down all my other expenses, I think I still can do it... Just that It might be some tough days after that.

Months passed by, at last, I've made my decision that what to get. This is something that I not even buy for myself before... Have to save a lot of money for it, even have to let go some plans. The good news is, it came to town earlier than expected! Great! It just came in the right time... So I doing some survey about it... Tried so many places and sources... Still can't get it... Waiting for calls... It have to arrived in time... Hope everything go fine...

Plan is there, but there're plenty of other stuff going on around and have to solve too... I think this really made me a little bit crazy recently... Not eat well, not sleep well, so emotionally... EQ is getting lower... Some more I am acting weird where I never did so before... omg... Just like a baby too...

Patience, patience... I think everything that I do is worth to be... Everything will be fine... Just thinking that person will be very happy & will be touched is enough to keep me on track... Hold on! You too be patience!!! Hahaha!

The thing that I heard most, would be:

"Doo doo... doo doo......... the number you have dialed, is currently not available"

CB peoples...

Like this also scold, like that also scold... Like they very 'big' like that... Ask people treat also like people must do everything to suite them... They work and get paid every month also still want to use people's stuff... share something with them still get scold from them... Ya, even some stuff got it free, so what? It still her stuff what? Want to use still want to find problem to argue... So 'smart' buy yourself la! People's stuff more nice, then go borrow o use... Fark! so 'clever' go borrow people's husband lo! CB! Even your few hundred ringgit is so big meh? Your present very expensive meh? People also didn't ask for it... but why want to say till like people asking for it? Always do stuff double face... 'friend' with u here and stab people's back at behind... Always flatter on other people, like they very good... Another one, even worse... Never take a mirror to look at them self... Like they very 'beautiful' like that.... what an rotten egg inside.... Only got excuses... ask them do work they got something else to do... Never work for the promises... So arrogant.... giving fake promises all the time... When people get trouble, they never give any help as their promised... even drop more stone on you... Stubborn! never listen people's advises... brainless human... Eat too much & drink too much! Lazy! Even worse and a brain-retarded pig! Only know how to make story behind, gossip around... Always fool around and cheat people to pay bills... Selfish! Always borrow people stuff to use! even they can't fit in! Fark! Like them self are very socialise people... Only know some morons.... Tough them self are Shakira and actually worse than a retarded blinded old fat chimpanzee swinging around mud.... All of them are born with a pair of dog eyes... look down people... When people get something very nice which they can't get or.... opps... they not deserve to be more suitable... they usually will find something to spoil people's great time... when they got problems, they only know how to make them self look pity... and most of the time, they are "innocence"... pui! What so big with your money? When people treating you all nicely, never feel thankful to people, even worse that still complain here and there... When people getting trouble, just stand there and see people die... Ask people to shut up, double up your pillow tonight and try use your remaining brain to think think how yourself is la!

Just felt unreconciled for a person who born to have such peoples around and received undeserved treats...

SAU PEI LA! CB peoples!

**try to put smaller wordings to make this blog a little bit less negative feel**

Depression

Saw a TV show talks about this sickness syndrome. I found that the problem I'm having recently matches some of the symptoms of this sickness... I worried about mom too... She have more matches of the symptoms...

Money matters.

It seems to be just a money matter... Why must all decisions always made by money come first? How bout life? love one? families? Yes, I can't denied that for the world we live in today, we are barely survive without money... But why? Money is really more important than anything else where it should be come in the first place to making a decision?

Choosing a far-a-way resort which meals and accommodations are provided and just to skip some transport fees and a little rental fees? It's really less money to be consumed to choose a such way? Is that only that few matters to be considered? Is that simple? So it's like a bird is rather to choose to stay in a cage than need a little harder effort to find food around?

It seems to be you made your choice since the beginning... Maybe I was think too much.. Maybe i just though that I'm thinking really that detail? Or just my stubbornness keeps me stand still at my point of view... But still, how if I'm right too?? Maybe I'm totally wrong, what the bird choose is freedom and it really get what it wants... not that as i see it was in the cage... I don't know...

I wish that I could have that large amount of money now and problems solved... You get everything you want... And I have no need to worry that is there any decision made wrongly... Or I did the wrong decision or give wrong advise... I am selfish... who's not? Maybe there is someone...

I also wish that there's some one here to talks to me, guide me and tells me what's right, what's wrong... Gives me advices at least some comments... I think is more likely for something that I wish to be happen...