19-05-2010

I had a bad morning ahead today. Having some problem with pam this morning. I'm mad at her. And she don't bother me anymore. She is always like running from problems. So this time she ran to work. minute before things get worst... As what she stated before... She do some nonsense thing to avoid argument. She house keeping my room, and keep ignore me. And i know she did so because she was mad too... She just don't want to have fight with me. I tried to talk, she just said she do so because of my room is in a mess and i don't want to throw away unwanted thing. And the moment she went to work, i get a bag and throw everything that I feel like to throw. Keep everything that i felt I don't want to see... One thing that is ridiculous to me is that she keep one of my watch into display box because I said before that I like another watch. It is a present of my previous gf. And because of it, we fight and argue for many times already.... And now she want me to wear that and kept the another watch... speechless, don't know what to do....

I very felt dizzy... My head is in pain... Slept very late the day before. Just because of she want to make some fun for me and i rejected it, and we argue again that time. I tried to chill myself soaking in blast music. Tried to have her in my hug in bed.

I wash up myself and went to college. I was late. My friend called me for few time... I going to college late because of I'm feeling very unwell, both physically and emotionally. I drove very fast on the way... with a very loud radio on... I can only stress myself out by drive real fast! and blasting music so set my mind free and shout out my anger... All the way long, Pam keep appearing on my mind as everyday of my daily life now. I'm thinking that what if something happen on me I drive like this.. How bout my family, peoples who love me... but I don't care it anymore.... I want to run away from all these anger and stress.... i felt like to cry.... I still can hear my car's engine roaring where the music playing is blasting like a thunder... My car was so stressed... i can feel the roaring is so high in pitch.... but my car doesn't built for all these... but it doesn't stop me from revving it... I just want to run out from everything!!!!!!!

By the time i reach college, my friend is about to off. I was unhappy, so i went to McDonald's, maybe the meal can make me happier... Ya, it help abit. And i went back to my office... but in half way through, I start to drive like my shit is coming out of my pant. I press all the way my car;s acceleration paddle, and rev my car like it screaming for mama.... almost double of the speed limit of the major highway with heavy traffic... cutting into lanes, left and right all the way.... I still mad at myself, disappointed in myself...

Just moment ago, me and pam having serious fighting in office. Everyone heard it. Even my mom and my relative is there too... All my fault with my stupid attitude and pam's style. ALL MY FAULT!!!!!!! Screw me!

I alway felt regrets after things are done. I felt miserable after that day i scolded my dog because of she go out in a heavy rain, and refuse to go in her cage. I scolded her and she went onto her room and starring outside the window with her red eyes on.... I was hating myself why the hell i want to scold her for??? I horn and high beam a old uncle because of he cutting in to my lane with a very slow speed at a sharp corner on the road... It remind me of many years back I drove a 4 wheel drive horn and scolded a very old uncle on the road in a rain at night... I was just a stupid farking brainless cb pk hc evil sh moron! of course, WTH i want to talk to my gf in a high volume? with my parents too??? I know i shouldn't do so and i did it!! Fark me!!! I felt guilty.

I'm also a bf who not a good person to tak to and gf need to find peoples around to chat.... freaking loser bf....

My chess is pain, from morning till now... I'm having headache & stomachache... I was told that i'm a toufu... ya.. I'm... I hurt my foot when having sparring during training... both my legs injured during sparring in a grading test... I injured my lower body with a heavy kick at my buttock... where shit is almost came out... just some minor accident and my body get wounds... and also my heart... is so fragile now... i was so easy to get hurt emotionality... tears came out so easily... yes, I'm a toufu. call me toufu... fragile TOUFU!

Just wondering and worry that I might have some mentally disease... I'm so emotionally now a days... have serious mood swing etc... Hope that the people around will be fine if really something happen to me... I love you all very much....

Conclusions, I'm a stupid ugly weak farking brainless selfish cb pk sensitive hc evil sh jealous loser miserable moron fragile toufu! Get rid of me!

My guess.

Recently, I became more emotional. EQ is low again... Worrying many things... Like every single thing is bothering me. Can't stop worrying Pam go out there... Also, I read some article o paper... Its about some melancholic or some mental problem disease... Worry about having those too... i hope not... but kind of similar to those symptom too... urhhh....

I guess, the key is, I hang out with friends more, or more social activities, involve myself to others more... talks with peoples... Just make the community circle bigger and wider... Know more peoples, understand others more... Then, I will not think too much and back to normal a bit.... hope so... =)

10-05-2010

Each time I logged on my blog, I will saw a words "my feelings are not important to you".... is it? Urgh... It have been almost a week I'm not sleeping well... so do her... It also almost a week that I'm not feeling well too... I got stomachache every time i had my meal. I don't know how... Not feelings to seek for doctor either. Today, I'm not feeling well, physically and mentally as well. I'm so tired... It almost late to send Pam for her exam. Caught in traffic jam even using smart tunnel... Fortunately can reach in time. I din had my shower & 'bank in' earlier, if i had, properly she will be late... I got stomachache again... Rushing back to my college, I'm late for my appointment too... I go into my room, a guy was found sleeping on my bed! WTF! His pc, paper works, everything on my desk! WTF he was thinking? Aren't there is another desk bed then mine?? Fark you! Some ppl's frn over night on my bed! using my desk! plug in with my network cable and wtf u want to untie mt cables??? fark you! Next, not more words to speak, i rush into washroom... wtf, i think i got some problem with my stomach...

My tutor come and we start my revision after a breakfast. It took about 5 hours non-stop of revision. I hope this could help on passing my resit paper...

Not long after Pam finish her exam, i make a call to make sure she was fine... She was having meal with her course mate. I got my stomachache again... No phone calls after that... she not calling or even telling me what her plan... what time to pick her up. more than 10 calls are made... Non is responding... An sms came after many of hours. Pam will watch movie with her friend. Another sms after couple of minutes. She say she will be back in short. Ok, so I quickily copy up my notes, packing and leaving. I was warn by my friends that I should stay and do my revision, i insisted. I have to pick my gf home.

I'm on my way to pick up Pam. I was so tired. The rain was to heavy. And I'm worry... about pam. My phone rang, she told me that the railway is delaying due to the rain. What the.... I'm reaching the place... I text her back to see maybe she might know how long it could takes for the rail back to function again. Hmm... What i got? I just got a call and get scolded. "..........." what can I say? What you expected me to do? scolding you for don't know how long it would take? Scolding you for the delay of the train? I just want to check things out and see maybe there's something I can do while waiting...I just try to see that you might know new information... What I want???(always been asked) what I want? I just want to make sure you can reach your destination safely, I could let you sit down comfortably, no need to jam with others in the public tans, no need to wait... And I don't even know where got what transportation available, what buses or rail you can reach easily... That's why I ask which the easies for you?? And I was alwasy been told that "do what you like" " you like lo"... What I like?? I want to make things easier for you, no need you to take long wait for buses, Que long to get in train or change station... You know that you know more about that than me where I'm only a nerd?

Okay, I hope you already cool down yourself... i don't want to make fighting between us....

Late.

I'm too late for it.... my FYP... Still undone... Stuck...
But I believe miracle... It'll be done on time...
In the other hand, not so good... I'm easy get frustrated recently... Maybe there's too much undone...
I want bring her go movie... but i couldn't... i hope everything are going to work fine and I can bring her for the movie this weekends...

HATE!

Arghh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hate it so much!!!! Why just can't everything be nice??? Everyone is thinking that I'm that BAD!!! I can't do my work!!!!!! I can't finish it!!!!!!!!! ERGH!!!!!!! SO freaking failure!!! Keep my farking mouth shut!!!!!!!!! I hate it so mcuh that i destroy a beautiful morning!!! Why dun just have a big stone and blow up the whole world now!!!! Hate myseld so much!!!!!! I'm going to crazy!!!!! I duno how to speak out all these stress!!!!! My farking car is damage! My freaking gate is spoiled! My project is undone! I'm hungry and felt like vomit! Whole body felt itchy! My head is so pain! My eyes are in red, tired and painful......... Whole body muscle pain... Everything i plan doesn't work!!!!!!!!!! I hate to see my gf is sad!!! I hate that I'm bad to others! I hate that my gf seeking ppl help to do things instead of asking me to do! I hate that i can't teach my gf a better english! I hate that I said those words that make people sad! I hate to be misunderstood by others!!! I hate that I can't speak properly ad people duno wat I'm talikng about!!!! I hate I can't express my feelings but just can act like a spoiled child... I hate that I can't stand up and do what i should do!!! I hate that I such a junk!!!!! I hate that I can't wake up in the morning and forgot about what's wrong yesterday!!!!

I hope to turn back time that the world is still beautiful and without the existing of me....I just turn the world into messed...

x.x

OKay!!! I was just a farked up bf... a loser who duno wat happen to own gf... Rather to being like a small child than a person who can protect or provide secured comfort lever for his own gf...
Really felt like a loser and giving up.... Never had these felt to give up... but things strike continually... academic progress, health, family, relationship, career, financial.. most importantly -- life... was once live with full of self confidence, I think I'm great with the personality that I'm having... I was once the cherries person who help others when they're having problems, rise them up when they're down, giving them advise and talks with them when they're all alone and helpless... Today, I felt like I'm not that person anymore... I don't know why... I was so farked up... I used to so proud of myself... Recently, I just hate myself for having such mind set... WHY I got those mind set??? Why dun i just think things like normal peoples... Why the fark i want to think things so detail? Why so care of everything?? As I know nothing is perfect but why stll i want things to be perfect??? Even having a meal, non of even 1/5 of a small little rice must not to waste??? Can't stand my own attitude either... Asking back, how could I give others love where I'm hating myself???

Even my friends are getting lesser and lesser... Friends are there, but Its like a hundred years ago since I really hang out with them.... Feelings that my world is closed... Just myself.. alone... I have my gf around, but I couldn't face her sometime... I felt disappointed at myself ... Don't know why I always make her feels unhappy... I couldn't get in the situation that she is having... Some time, she rather keep her own feelings or talk to her friend... I don't really know her feelings some times, I didn't do my part as a bf, and i still acting like a childish person... She ask other people to teach her things rather than asking from me....I was just a bad person to be a bf... just a useless creature...

Felt myself is a junk... I hope GOD can help me, sadly, some times i even doubt the existing of GOD, but I know GOD is there, and GOD will help me too...

*took a deep breathe* telling myself not to give up... Stay alive!!!

Hopeless...

I think that I'm really hopeless...
Please tell me!!!
What can I do??
Just hate myself in this kind of situation...
Hate myself for all these stupidity...
Want to stop all these...
Worries so many things...
Urhh....
Thinking to give up everything... I mean EVERYTHING...
But I still keep telling myself not to give up ANY!
Keep in mind the positive might make things better.... hope so...