A month later.

Today, exacly a month where she is with me almost everyday. I'm alone for the last two days. Starting the day she start her new job. I'm going no where to do my assignment. It finally got a little more free time for me to write here. I thought of lots of things in the pass 2 days... Just don't know how to convert into words...

2 days of home stay. Drawing, fb, drawing, sleeping, drawing, fb, eating, drawing, ............ Just a few moment ago... finally got a little bit fresher mind... =)... more works to move on later... It's not bad to stay alone, I'll concerntrate more to do my works... Just that will miss some one constantly... She, start wokrking now... a new life has begun... It's great for her to start work again... at least, she will get pay and no need to worry her tuition fees... Even her meal everyday... But that kind of hard for her to work part time and study in the same time to support her living... I can't do much for her, she don't wants too... What to do? She born to be... That her life.... a bit bitter one...

I've talk to her constantly on phone... I can felt that she is happy working... even it was crazying-bored and the business is not that good.... She is doing fine with her colleuge... Me, I'm still with and un-open heart... Just trying so hard to make it more open... Maybe I'm lack of confidence or just no guts to do so... Just don't like that way... For examples... I really don't like her to hang out with another person too often... her colleuge fetching her through and flow to work everyday... working together for most of the time for whole day... work together, meal together, laugh together, go palces together... how 'great' was that... I'm consoled when she feel happy... In another hand, I just felt unwell...

I used to be a very confidented-person... I got most of the thing I want... Some I got the best one in the world... Present, I've lost many of it.... the best one also no more.... I became 'tiny'... Even less louder voice when I'm speaking... Doing things with a lowered head.... become self-abased... Where're the confidence all gone to?? I've zero-idea... Just don't how to be a good person... a better one... I'm still not understant waht is 'LOVE'... That's really an undefine "object"...

I tried so hard to make my gf happy... to understand her... take care of her for everything... she was just rejecting... she hidden her self and everything of her... Am I that kind of person who really that not worth to trust? What's wrong with me? She only share stuff with her best friends, her sister... Where I got nothing good as a bf... and she think that it was hard to be with me... Even a day, I heard the conversation of her with her best friend... It's not a very good comment on me... and she told me that they are only 'blowing-water'... From deep of my heart, I can seriosly feel that the truth... she is not just bluffing....

What am I? I'm nothing...

Dream

I always had dreams...
Dream which not the kind to achieve...
Dream which it appear itself...
When you close your eyes...
Which it can confuse you...
With the real world...
And the imagines...

Some times in dream,
I become smaller...
I was become smaller and smaller,
I was so tiny...
I'm far aways from you...
I felt the room become so huge...
The wall was so tall....
The floor was so big....
I'm only a very very small part of it...
Like a dust of the room...
I felt dizzy...
I can hear voices...
but I'm unconscious...
You are just right in front of me,
But i was being pulled away from you...
I tried to get closer to you...
But I was pulled away...
A drop of tear slip out of my eye...
I was hard to breath...
I tried so hard to open my eyes...
and at last, I can see you...
I was safe...
The world is not end... yet...
Thank you for pullind me back...
But the world changed...
Everything was different...
Everything was hidden...
There're no more picture of us...
No more....
The heart was broken...
I just broke it...
I can't fixed it....
I was hopeless...
I can just wait...
Wait for nothing?

My bad.

Few day ago, I was so confuse what I’m thinking…
I felt like I’m very different now a day…
I’m acting weird…
I do stuff that I usually don’t do…

One day,
A person appeared on my mind…
It remind me that the incident happened, how tat person felt…
Cause I felt it too… I don’t like it to happen to the one I did care now…
I was confused and down for few days…
I talked to my friends…
She was right too….
We are always live in a way to compare or to be compared…
There’s no need to compare our self to others…
Maybe I just lack of confidence… I’m…
Maybe I was just being compared,
Then I need to be better or just being myself?
I think to being myself will do fine… I’ll be fine… I have to…
And then I found what I want… And direction…
I realize something that I got now and I should really appreciate it now..
I learnt lessons from the pass…But I didn’t get it done right…
I think I hurt her again…
She love me so much…
All my friend can see it…
I can felt it too…
I like that feel…
But I hurt her so deep…
I don’t know what should I do…
Something I did wrong and it can’t be fixed…
I made her got the fell that I only pretend to like her…
I’m not, I didn't pretend… Seriously I'm NOT!!
I’m really honest with it…
I was told that we should not be too honest some times…
But I think some times it’s not that I’m honest, is too straight it hink…
I direct hurt a person… without turning…
Any single thought I will express out….
It really hurts…

Now, I was so afraid a thing to happen…
I don’t know what should I do if it really happens…
Maybe it’s something that both of us might expect it to happen a day…
What I thinking is, when ever there’s a challenge, we’ll get stronger when we pass through it…
I hope we can go through it…
Problems will still exist if we never solve them…
At least we know what is the problem…
I believe we can get through it…
Guide me to the right way too…
Thank you… my friends…
I love you, BB...

解释

解释可能只会把情况弄得更糟
真的，我已把事情弄得更糟了
我不是要安慰你
我只是想告诉你我想什么

Think.

I was told that I'm a very simple guy.
I will think about tomorrow, but not the day after.
Am I? Maybe..
I always think alot of things... think alot... think too much...
I found that what i think all these long are useless..
Things that I think is too derail on it and not far at all... only surface detail???
I know which is right and wrong, what should do and shouldn't,
but i just do stuff not according to my mind...
I know it's wrong and I still do it...

Why can't I just be simple is i was told?
Why I make stuff complicated?
I'm so not me.... It's time to fix it...

你

也许在挂念或想着另外一个人的，并不是我。

2009

This is a year that i learn alot of new things and tried alot of new stuf... Go through a lot of new situatio... deal with new people and things...